


The Tale of How Connor Murphy Fucked Himself

by Leonlealet



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, More tags to come if I decide to update, Role Swap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 23:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15230520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leonlealet/pseuds/Leonlealet
Summary: Connor Murphy was the "school shooter" at his school. He was an outcast and a complete terror. It was routine. The names, stares, and the avoided gazes.Everything changed after the first day of school.The day Evan Hansen took his life._____AU where Evan was the one who committed suicide and everyone thinks Connor is his closest friend.





	The Tale of How Connor Murphy Fucked Himself

“So, what happened to your arm?” a voice asked. Evan jumped and spun around to see the infamous Connor Murphy. Seeing the shorter kid’s reaction, Connor huffed, mentally berating himself for scaring him. Evan managed to recover, turning off the computer screen.

“I, um, fell out of a tree,” he mumbled.

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor deadpanned. He chuckled, “That is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God.”

Evan forced himself to chuckle along as well, “I know,”

Connor felt like shit after that statement. Because, honestly, Connor laughed at a kid who broke his arm and prior to that he shoved him to the ground. You would have to be a complete utter asshole to do those things in one day.

Clearing his throat, he walked up to Evan, awkwardly stating, “No one’s signed your cast.”

Evan avoided eye contact and mumbled, “No, I know.”

Jesus fucking Christ, this kid was sad. No one wanted to sign his cast? Did this kid have no friends?

 _Right,_ Connor thought, _this is Evan Hansen. He has no friends. He and I are the biggest losers in this school._

“I’ll sign it,” Connor shrugged, nonchalantly, taking another step closer to Evan. He wasn’t sure if he was doing it out of pity or if it was supposed to be an apology for shoving him earlier. Either way, nothing bad was going to come from signing a kid’s cast 

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Evan took a step back. _Understandable,_ Connor thought. _I am the “school shooter,” after all._

 “Do you have a sharpie?” he asked, ignoring Evan’s protests. Evan took out a sharpie from his pocket and gave it to Connor with a shaky hand. Connor took it and grabbed Evan’s cast pulling his arm closer to him so he could sign it.

“Ow,”

“Oh, sorry.” Connor muttered before scrawling his name in giant letters on the cast. He let go of Evan’s cast and gave the sharpie back to him.

“Oh, thanks,” Evan mumbled. Damn, what was this kid’s thing and mumbling?

“Now, we can pretend that we both have friends.” Connor quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

“Good point,” Evan grabbed his bag from the chair and briskly walked past Connor. Connor’s eyes shifted to a paper, lying on the printer. Curious, he picked it up and read the first line.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 “Hey,” he called out to Evan, who was just about to leave. He turned back and looked at Connor. “Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?”

 Evan visibly flinched and walked to Connor quickly to get his paper back, “Oh, that’s just a stupid—it’s a paper I had to write for an assignment.” He blabbered, “A-Anyway, can I have that back it’s—“

Connor tuned him out as he read a few lines on that paper.

_Today is going to be a good day. I just have to keep on telling myself that. I just have to keep pushing on. I can keep pushing on because there’s Zoe._

Wait.

What the fuck was this?

 Evan reached a hand out trying to take the paper, but Connor took a step back.

 “’Because there’s Zoe?’” he read aloud, “This is about my sister.”

 Evan’s eyes widened as he stumbled over his words. “N-no! Not at all!”

 Why the fuck would Evan Hansen write about his sister? What the hell? Why would Evan “keep pushing on because there’s Zoe?” What the hell did that even mean?

 Then, it hit Connor.

 This was payback, wasn’t it? Payback for pushing him earlier. Evan wanted Connor to freak out by writing about his sister so he could go spread the word. Evan knew that Connor was going to talk to him, so he set this up. To catch him in his crazy act. Well, that was not fucking happening.

 “You wrote this because you knew I would find it,” Connor concluded.

 “What?” Evan blinked, stunned. _The cat’s out of the bag, Hansen._

“You knew that I was going to go up to you.” Connor took an intimidating step closer to Hansen and raised his voice, “So, you wrote this so I would find it. Just so I can find some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right? Then you can tell everyone how fucking insane I am, right?”

 “N-No, why would I even—“

 Connor shook his head, scowling at the shorter boy, “Fuck you.” He walked past Hansen and left the computer lab, still holding the letter.

* * *

 Connor was having a terrible day. After his little run-in with Hansen, he got home and Larry was egging on him again. Not having any of it, Connor just went up to his room, slammed the door, and collapsed on his bed. He felt something crinkle in his back pocket. Curious, Connor reached for it and grabbed a crumpled folded paper. When did he get this? 

The teen unfolded it and read the first few words.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

Right. He still had this. He didn’t give it back to Hansen. What was he writing about anyway? Connor continued to read it.

_Today is going to be a good day. I just have to keep on telling myself that. I just have to keep pushing on. I can keep pushing on because there’s Zoe. This year or maybe today, I can just…talk to her and get to know her. I mean, I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me, but maybe this year could be different._

_Maybe you’ll get more friends. Maybe you can talk to your mom. Maybe you won’t feel so alone._

_This summer was terrible for you, I mean, seriously. You were in such a terrible place. You felt so alone. You wanted everything to just… stop. So, letting it go would be easier, right? But, I think you should hold on. This year, everything could be different. You won’t feel alone, you won’t feel hurt by the ones closest to you, and you won’t feel bad for being you. You won’t feel like if you disappeared tomorrow, no one would notice. I’m pretty sure someone would._

_Sincerely, your dearest and closest friend,  
Me_

As Connor read the last word, he exhaled and processed what he read. Is this how Hansen felt? Maybe this letter wasn’t a ploy to depict Connor as a freak.

“Shit,” Connor uttered. He tossed the letter back on the bed and walked to his wardrobe. He grabbed a joint from under his socks and got his lighter from his pocket. After lighting the joint, he placed it on his lips and took a small hit. Nothing like some weed to erase the guilt.

Connor’s gaze fixated back on the letter. Hansen felt like if he disappeared tomorrow, no one would notice. It was a feeling that wasn’t foreign to Connor. But in his case, maybe they would notice, but they would see it in a more positive light. If Connor killed himself, no one would really care, they should be glad in all honesty. He’s a disappointment to Larry and Cynthia. And Cynthia is still trying to help him, but he’s a lost cause. And he’s hurt Zoe. Too many times to count. If he disappeared, it would be better for everyone. He’s done more harm than good.

Connor took another hit and sat back on the bed, with another thought coming to mind. The thing that was different between them was that Hansen was being optimistic. Hansen was hoping things would change this year. Everything might be better. Would it really, though? Could things change?

Connor didn’t know. He didn’t see the point in his optimism.

Mouth curling into a frown, the teen grabbed the letter and ripped the paper in half. He didn’t need to see this. Connor was just going to pretend like nothing happened.

* * *

Being called to the principal’s office shouldn’t be such a surprise for Connor Murphy anymore. The teasing or the stares weren’t a surprise either. No, the thing that surprised Connor was that in the principal’s office, the principal himself wasn’t there. On the couch, there was an older blond woman. When Connor stepped in, the woman turned to him. Her eyes were puffy and red, and her cheeks were damp. The teen pieced together that she was obviously crying.

However, Connor had never even seen this woman in his life. Why was he even here?

“The loudspeaker called me to talk to Mr. Howard,” Connor began. He was still holding the door, unsure if he should even be here.

“Oh, yes, yes, I, um,” the older woman swallowed, “I know. He, Mr. Howard, stepped out. He wanted to give us some privacy for a moment.” She gestured to the couch in front of her, urging him to sit down.

“Oh.” Connor simply stated. He closed the door behind him and made his way to his seat, his hands clutching onto his messenger bag.

“I’m uh…” the older woman took a deep breath and continued. “I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mother.”

Shit. That’s why she was here. Hansen must’ve told his mom about him and now she was here to have a “nice talk” with him or something.

Connor sighed and placed his bag beside him, “I don’t know what your son said about me, but—"

“He actually never told me about you.” Heidi commented, cutting him off. “He never mentioned anyone other than Jared. But, I, uh, didn’t know he was friends with you.”

“Friends?” Connor echoed.

“Yes, um. You… signed his cast.” Heidi took a deep breath. As she continued, her voice was trembling, as was the rest of her body. “And, I-I thought that, maybe, he told you something—anything, really—before he decided to—to…”

Heidi trailed off before choking on a sob. Tears streamed down her cheek as she hung her head. Connor just gawked at her in mere confusion. What the hell had happened to Hansen?

“Before he…” Heidi gained enough composure to finish. “decided to take his own life…”

Connor flinched at the last four words. “What?”

No way.

Evan Hansen was dead? And, he committed suicide?

_You wanted everything to just… stop._

The words flashed in Connor’s mind as he took a small breath. How was he supposed to feel about this? A multitude of emotions was just swirling in his head and he couldn’t think straight.

He was baffled. What the fuck? Why would he just go and commit suicide? Hansen didn’t seem like that type of person. He was an anxious mess, yeah. But Connor didn’t think he would go do that.

He was slightly sad. He didn’t know where this emotion came from. But no matter what, it was still there.

He was confused. The letter Hansen wrote was almost optimistic so, why would he just decide to take his own life? Did he just write it to just lie to himself? Another chilling thought came to mind, one that Connor felt disgusted about.

Did Hansen take his life because of what Connor said to him yesterday?

Before Connor could properly process his feelings, he heard Heidi sob. Connor’s eyes shot up to look at her. Her hand was covering her mouth and tears were pouring from eyes. She blinked furiously and swallowed.

“P-Please,” she spoke, voice cracking. “I-I need to know. Evan…” she was crying harder now, sniffling between her words. “He didn’t even leave a note. I-I just… want to know why he did this. Please. You signed his cast you-you must have talked to him.”

Connor swallowed. No. He shouldn’t get involved in this. He wasn’t friends with Hansen. Hansen said nothing to him about this whole mess.

“I don’t—didn’t really know him…” he uttered.

Heidi looked up, her tears subsiding. “…What?”

He shook his head, grabbing his messenger bag. “There’s been a misunderstanding,” he explained briefly, “I need to go,”

Avoiding her gaze and ignoring her pleas, Connor sped to the door until he felt a hand grab his wrist. Connor spun around to look at her. But, she wasn’t focused on Connor. She was staring down at his bag.

Following her gaze, Connor stared at the object in question. In one of the pockets, there was a paper sticking out. And on the very top it read:

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

Shit.

“Wh-What’s that?” Heidi spoke, pointing a trembling finger at the paper. Connor swallowed. He must have accidentally put it in his bag when he left. Goddamn, that was stupid of him.

Connor said nothing as he took out the paper and gave it to her. Maybe she knew why Hansen would write letters to himself.

She took the letter and skimmed its contents. As she was slowing down, it was then that Connor realized half of the other page was missing. He tore it up yesterday, it was probably still on his bed.

“Did you write this?” Heidi asked, barely above a whisper. She looked at him, eyes gleaming with a sense of hope.

“No,” Connor answered briefly. Was he doing the right thing?

“Are you sure?” she asked, urgency in her voice. “I-It makes sense, I mean, you signed his cast and you wrote him this letter.” Her voice hitched. “You must have really cared for Evan. You were trying to be optimistic.”

She flipped the paper and pointed at the text just above the ripped bottom edges.

_Maybe you’ll get more friends. Maybe you can talk to your mom. Maybe you won’t feel so alone._

“This has to mean something!” she wailed, tears streaming down her face. She hung her head and sniffled. “Please. Evan was all I had. And now he’s gone. And this… this is all I have left of him…”

Connor felt his stomach churn. Swallowing, he uttered, “I… can tell you more about him after school.”

It was at that moment that Connor Murphy realized that he completely and utterly fucked himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure if I actually make this a whole story or just leave it as a one shot.


End file.
